To begin again…

No, not the whole blog thing.

My breasts are very tender at this point, and I have all sorts of weird muscle movements going on around my chest as I heal from the procedures done to me.

I corrected a personal issue I had with my overall appearance, and it has had a dramatic effect on the way I am perceived by others, much to me shock, although I’m not sure, personally, if it has made me better looking or worse looking in overall terms.

I’m happy though with what I see when I look into a mirror, though.  And I suppose that counts for more than all the rest, really.

Tomorrow, I say good bye to an old way of being. Permanently, and without regret about what I have done.

Tomorrow I will move about in ways that have escaped me thus far, and I will have a greater degree of confidence about it than many who have never had such challenges placed before them will do.

So as I say goodbye to one, I say hello to another.  One with which I can place a sharp and effective mark, a simple moment and a solemn pronouncement, and I erase a large chunk of what once was, and set my foot for the first time ona new path that has not been tread before.

I’m feeling anxiety over it.

it appears to have kicked in yesterday, to hit fast and hard, and its affecting a lot of what I’m doing.

It leaked into everything today, and I’m nervous as all get out.

But that’s life, I suppose.  Nothing is ever easy, ever simple.

As far as this blog goes, it looks like this may be one of the last entries in it, given the import of tomorrow.

Not sure what will happen, specifically, but odds are pretty good I will go out and set up a new website.  One that combines my activism with other things, and provides a place for me to enjoy my little discussions.

If anyone is still following this particular blog, and would like to do so on the new one, feel free to write me at dyssonance at hotmail.

What I do know is that its time to put this one to rest, to end this stage of transition and refocus my energies and efforts on to something less clouded by circumstance and purpose.

I know I need to do it, for my own peace of mind and sanity if nothing else.

but hey — I’ve never put much stock in sanity, now have I?

 

things just happen

So for the last month or so, my computer has up and decided it wanted to reboot now and again, seemingly at random,.

For fun, of course.  Its my computer. A little dyssonance goes a long way.

Slowly but surely, it got worse, and worse, and worse…

ANd then, naturally, it opted to do nothing.

A few years back — say around 2001 — I’d have snagged my tester box and checked parts and pieces one by one as time permitted and used my secondary system (I used to have five.  I know, total geek)

Once I’d identified the part that was failing, I’d simply have pulled a replacement, because when you spend your days fixing them all the time you have such things floating around.

well, if you are smart and like to save money, sweat, and time.

I’ve not exactly really done much work on systems for about, oh, two years.

I can still build a system from scratch (the dead one was), and I did know what the problem was.

But I wasn’t *certain* — and when you are cheap and broke and hopeful, you want to be certain.

Motherboard.  Yeah, I know, PS is usually the expected culprit, but it tests fine, as does RAM and HDD (although I kept thinking it was hdd because the inner old fart still doesn’t trust sata)

short in it.  And I knew, but doubted.  how did I know?

Feedback on the speakers.  Spent 60 bucks in 2000 for a set of cambridge speakers and they still rock.

So I was without a computer (because I’m down to one.  being broke and all that other crap will do that)

And right now i’m typing on a brand new toshiba laptop.

Mobility.  Its a pretty amazing thing. Especially the sort that I like, and I’m a picky sort.

its funny how I seem to do this, sometimes. I know its partially conscious, because I’m aware of it.  But to be given things the way I am — damn.  That’s pretty funky.

Makes me think something is up.

Add into that the fact I am managing a halfway house and you suddenly have a really interesting situation, given the person who started it.

She’s a sister, and she’s led a life that is pretty much the opposite of mine.

but she’s sees the way I get things, and she immediately thinks of how it is I’m earning them.

What I can’t tell her, of course, is that I am wondering how I’m earning them.

but…

A year ago I set out to get a laptop. I said I would have one — pretty much a month earlier.

And now I have one.

Remember the power of actualization.  Its essentially a con job on the world, but you stay honest about it.

Works wonders.